An Ideal World

In an ideal world, without all the other distractions and hangups attaching to my research, what would life be like?

One does wonder. Of course, I've barely begun and certain things about this lifestyle must be supposed to straighten themselves out- not least the fact that I have a number of opportunities and commissions that I'm following up at the moment and which, if they all come through, will give me enough cash to pay for my first semester's tuition fees a couple of exhibitions and some valuable teaching experience. So I'm not complaining, for all that I say about feeling ragged and tense.

What I would love though, is to have an unfettered stretch of time, devoid of any distractions that would allow me the chance to refine and compose my thoughts and intentions. Achieve mystical union with my research proposal, that kinda thing.

Thinking about it though, it's clear that the sort of experiences I most want to have in this imaginary intellectual retreat are exactly the same experiences likely to produce the sort of tasks and workload I have now. In my fantasy world, of course, I'm teaching more than a simple evening class and the book illustration and exhibition work I'm doing is more elaborate and achieves something close to nirvana in its fulfillment of my artistic intentions, but I'm glad to have the more realistic opportunities I really have got.

Anything I'd enjoy doing is going to always produce things I'd like to do with the new knowledge and expertise &c and I'm back where I am now, juggling. And the more interested I get (looking forward to the reading group, for example, and the sparks that'll come out of meetings with my supervisors) the more I'll have on my mind that I want to do.

What I could dispense with, however, is my part-time work in the central library, which is an eater of time and energy and which, while useful for the cash and proximity to books (to some extent), is nonetheless a major frustration when I'd rather be- need to be- getting on with more important things.

I realize that identifying my workload as a Bad Thing rather than as evidence of my success and as the natural results of my interest in things is just a personal position. By walking myself through it like this, it's become a bit clearer that things are actually okay in an odd sort of way, because I'm busy and engaged (if a little tangentially).